How Not to Sell a Car
Kimberly Diaz
Word Count 846
This is a 2010 PT Cruiser with a bunch of miles on it--all in all like 143,600 of 'em. This car is not in pristine condition or anything, but it is okay, not terrible. I did back into a telephone pole once just lightly so there's a little crack in the back bumper, but nobody would ever notice it unless they looked directly at the bumper, and why would they?
It doesn't have any bumper stickers on it. No My Kid is Smarter than Yours or I HEART my Pitbull or anything. I never put any bumper stickers on it (not even to cover the little crack) because some people are crazy, and they'll run you off the road or shoot you if your bumper is endorsing the wrong political candidate or if they don't agree with your philosophy.
All right, enough about the bumper—about the tires— two or three of them could stand to be replaced before the next Haley's comet passes, but there's one that is really new and another one that's pretty new. Those are in the front. I know you should buy like a whole set at once, but I could never swing it financially. Maybe after I unload this baby, I can buy some tires. But hopefully the next car I get will already have them. I do want to get another car. This one works and all but it has no pizazz, and I never was crazy about the color.
Yikes! I just realized this ad has the word "crazy" in it twice. I hope that doesn't scare anybody off. It really is a good little vehicle. It was NEVER in an accident, other than the aforementioned telephone pole incident. I never hit another car or pedestrian or anything else at all in this car. I've been having a really lucky driving streak the past 8 years. Not that I haven't been ticketed.
Let me be clear, it is possible to get a speeding ticket driving this car. Especially in school zones. But it's not the kind of car that screams, Hey officer, over here! It doesn't have that hot rod aura about it.
However, it is the kind of car that says you've arrived (sort of) when you have gotten somewhere you were going and put it in park and then look back at it just sitting there waiting for you to take it away again. The A/C works, the radio works, the clock works, as far as I know every single dingle thing on this car works. I do too but only part-time.
The glove compartment is amazing. It's like a black hole. You can put so much stuff in there! I'm always astounded when I clean it out. It has been pre-cleaned out for your convenience. And I'm pretty sure you have your own hairbrush, toothbrush, chewing gum, emery board, mostly empty journal thingy, tire gauge, gasoline receipts, mini-flashlight, 8-ball (for big decisions) an unused map of Paris and all that kind of standard glove box stuff.
Now seriously about this car. I have been careful with it. It still has all of its parts. All the lights work, and it has anti-lock brakes I'm pretty sure because I'm getting a discount for it on my insurance (which I need desperately on account of all the darned speeding tickets) and powerful windows and steering and all that. Now about those speeding tickets, don't freak out, it was just two or three and I wasn't even going that fast at all - so don't think I went and burned out the motor or anything. This has been mostly driven to work and to the mall- it's a vicious cycle.
Anyway, if you think it would be a great car for you or someone you know with about $3500 cash lying around, please have them call my dear old friend Joe*. I would have you call me, but I am not very good at discussing cars (believe it or not) and he could tell you more about what you as a car-buying individual would probably want to know. I've always been a car-buying bystander. Someone else bought this for me and now another someone else is selling it for me. I don't like to deal with those kind of transactions. I'm pretty limited in the kind of transactions I like to enter into so call Joe* and he can answer any questions-- about the car.
Serious inquiries only.....*not his real name.
Kimberly is a survivor of two marriages trying to stay sane in the crazy state of Florida. Her work has appeared in Another Chicago Magazine, Entropy, Montana Mouthful, Sunspot Literary, Dead Mule School of Southern Literature and other lit mags, and anthologies. She’s currently working on an essay collection and a memoir.