wishingthinking

Faith Reale

Word Count 501

i shaved my head the first time when i was in treatment for my eating disorder. i loved and hated my eating disorder, was one foot in and one foot out regarding recovery. i think i needed a break from real life, needed a break from everything and everyone. plus my eating disorder was out of hand, to me it was like a pet that loved you dearly but occasionally would bite your hand or try to rip out your throat. i wanted to shave my head because i wanted to feel differently about myself. i thought if i shaved my head, i would look in the mirror and finally things would snap into place. i didn’t expect that i would suddenly love myself but i thought i would understand something or have some new level of clarity. if you have never been to an eating disorder treatment center, they are sometimes within these very large homes. the people who observe us, the patients, eat and cry and shit- they weren’t thrilled i had ordered hair cutting equipment via amazon. i had to beg my therapist to shave my head, convince her that this wasn’t related to my eating disorder at all (it 100% was) and that i wasn’t being impulsive (again, yes- i was being very impulsive). she agreed as long as nobody helped me which i understood was a liability issue but made no sense in practice as how the fuck am i supposed to shave the back of my head with no assistance? regardless, people helped me shave my head. to clarify, i didn’t want a bald head, i wanted a buzz cut. this look was obtained with the unofficial help of a very kind staff member and my fellow patients. at the time, i was happy. i looked in the mirror and out loud said that i thought i looked tough enough to beat my eating disorder. i think i liked this idea in theory more than in practice. my roommate put make-up on me and announced that i should never have hair again. i think, though i was loathe to admit it, i wanted to be Healed. i wanted to be Better. i wanted to feel like my skin was the perfect size for my bones and organs and my spirit. i wanted to feel at home within myself. i wanted proof that i was changing in a positive trajectory. i have this sensation, even now, that i am running from myself. i’m very adept at putting band-aids over all the bullet wounds i have acquired and then continuing to run, never looking back. i have had an eating disorder since i was eleven years old and i am twenty-five now. i don’t know how i am going to recover or if it will happen for me but i sure as hell know that changing my hair, changing my appearance won’t fix what is broken or damaged inside of me. anything else is just wishful thinking.

Faith is probably drinking coffee or reading. She has lived in northern Virginia nearly her entire life and recently graduated from George Mason University with a BFA in creative writing. In 2021 she won the Joseph A. Lohman III Poetry Prize.