The Calling

Abigail Thomas

Word Count 360

All my life, I wanted to be a writer, but had no faith in myself.  I thought you had to have deep thoughts, an unusual life, important things to say, and worse, I thought you had to know what you were doing.  Finally, when I was forty-eight, I took a chance. I signed up for a writing workshop with the perfect teacher, the writer Bill Roorbach. He began every workshop by quoting from Zen Mind, Beginners' mind. "In the beginner's mind are many possibilities, in the expert's mind are few…" 

"Write with your beginner's mind," Bill said. Ah! I finally qualified. I became a writer in that workshop. It's not exactly a job; it’s more a compulsion. No, that's the wrong word,  but I can't think of a word that feels right. If I were a different person, I might say it's a calling, but that sounds too spiritual and literary. Maybe there is no right word to describe it. 

I love writing. I even love getting stuck and figuring out a way through the dark. I write to try and make sense out of what makes no sense. I write about trivial things that, for some reason, make me curious, and I write to find out, Why this? Why now? I write about the politics that make me livid and am pleased, however briefly, to make something different out of what is essentially an enormous mountain of shit. I write about how I've lived my life, dragging out of myself shameful times I'd rather not face. Painful, but I find the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the stronger you become. I write for myself..  

When I sell a book, I make money, but books are years apart. Money evaporates pretty quickly. Still, writing brings me clarity, and clarity is comfort. I am lucky to have started all those years ago, and here I am, still writing at eighty-three. I'm a beginner every time I start. It is exciting to find out what the back of my mind has been doing when I'm doing nothing. It's not exactly a living, but it sure as hell is a life.

Abigail has four children, twelve grandchildren, one great-grandchild, two dogs, and a high school education. Her books include Safekeeping; A Three Dog Life; and What Comes Next and How to Like It. Her new book, Still Life At Eighty, is out now on Scribner’s. She lives in Woodstock, NY.